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those recent days that promised bliss how could it all end like this? I said “I will show to you the stars” and then I left you with more scars is this a message from above to tell me I’m not meant to love does this even matter, though as I stare down to the ground below you trusted me, I broke your heart I shake with fear as you depart for if you really take your life it is my fault, I caused you strife yet as I stand upon this ledge, wavering at the very edge, I hear again the last wish you said you’d give it was that you wanted me to live without you I feel so alone, but all I want is to atone, how can I live, I’m so distraught? should I honor the promise you sought? no longer sure of what to do, I stand here and just wish I knew Tags: poetry
Current Location: *NOT* on a ledge
Current Mood:  pensive
Current Music: Yuuyami Suicide (my inspiration for this poem)
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Well, isn't this just LOVELY. I am totally exhausted, I don't hardly feel like talking to ANYONE for crying out loud I don't even hardly know what I'd say to KYO if he somehow called my fucking cellphone which isn't even HERE right now because it's apparently somewhere between here and the land of OVER-THE-STARS. I'm gonna have to FIND the thing, though, in order to talk to anyone because at 7:30 I have to get off. Tomorrow's fecking SUNDAY, damn it. My day off, at LAST. And it's on a day when my parents WON'T work, they won't be out of the house. So I haven't said two words to them? Well, if you were not only exhausted, but had good reason to believe that your own feet were suicidal due to the fact that your left one had spontaneously become an EMO CUTTER, while the right one wanted to blow itself over the stars, and both of them hurt like FUCKIN A. AND you were exhausted due to three days of spending entire nights up talking to your best friend who you can't really talk to at any OTHER time due to the fact that you must work to earn money so that you could finally move out to be able to *do things* with your best friend. I mean, what the FUCK do they want me to do? Just ABANDON my best friend simply because of the 1500 god-damn MILES between here and Omaha?! Well they can go suck a cock! Because that is NOT going to happen. I'd rather SHOOT MYSELF IN THE HEAD than do something like, abandoning my friend to find some new friend here simply because she's too far away. In the impossible instance where I am forced to choose to either do this, or to die...well, let's just say if that happens then I'm going OVER the stars!!!! AAGH FUCK. WTMF T_T okay sorry. Just, in case it's not perfectly obvious already, this is one of my exploding rant posts. And it's NOT like I didn't TRY to be sociable - FOR CRYING OUT LOUD I TOLD HER MY RASPBERRY CAKE STORY. ugh. Well, in less than half an hour I'm going to have to switch over to my cellphone messenger.. feh. Current Location: the middle of nowhere
Current Mood:  irritated
Current Music: Kyo's voice gloriously raging into my ear
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One minute, in my mind, everything seems fine. Then all of a sudden, I'm not where I was before. I'm in a totally different place. I'm wandering alone down the side of an icy road, shrouded in mist. The snow is freezing, but even though it's next to a road, it's pristine and pure white, because it's so isolated. The freezing wind slaps my face like a sheet of needles, again and again. I'm wandering in the cold, I wrap my coat tighter but it doesn't help. Nothing is certain - NOTHING except that I am alone and that I feel so cold and sad. I think my heart just broke, and I don't know why. Why am I so cold? Everything *should* be bright and cheery now, yet here I am lost in the cold northlands all alone, it feels like my heart is shattering and I ... I don't fucking understand. Why is this? I thought I wouldn't feel this? I mean on some level I am happy but I CAN'T SEE THE HAPPINESS. It's all lost in this mist that keeps slapping me in the face.... I don't ... what is ... I just....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. I am crying. At the computer. I don't want them to know I'm crying or they'll be all over me.... I should be alone. I just, I don't know..... T_T why am I here...why am I in this life?! When I'm so fucked up I suddenly can't be HAPPY when something starts to go right and I end up halfway suicidal?? Maybe I'm just a deluded freak.... I need pills or something but I don't want to be an idiot again I don't want to run away. I know I need to face this, but I'm buffeted from all sides. I told myself I didn't need it but suddenly it's surrounding me again and I'm alone in this fucking airport full of people all, being it all I do is watch and just feel like crying, but it's so damn cold the tears will freeze and burn my face.... Tags: sadness
Current Location: Winterfall, land of frozen solitude
Current Mood:  ......kill me....
Current Music: Creep (Radiohead); also Secret Garden (Gackt)
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The same essential thing, that repeated throughout the past, struck again on Friday...and now, it's continuing on tonight. I just...I am scared to death. I don't even want to write this. Why am I writing this? Sure it lets out what I'm feeling, but other people ARE going to read it too. But ... I don't know, I NEED to calm down, I'm a fucking mess. I just ... I need to calm down... But I'm scared out of my mind, because I see no end to this...and I can't stop myself wondering, if ... this is how it's going to be, forever? Things seeming more or less alright, and then every so often, there'll be a cataclysm? Because it seems that if that IS the case... I'd be spending all my nights wondering whether tomorrow will be the next cataclysm. Or the day after that? Or next week? And with absolutely NO WAY of warding them off... having NO CONTROL WHATSOEVER over the situation... Though it's possible that ... weh who am I even really kidding. Where is this going to end? And when? I try to not worry, but deep down I'm terrified. That one of these times, is going to end everything... that the one I care for is going to fade away forever...won't live through...and I want to do something, but I can't. I don't know what to do.... Current Location: lost in thought
Current Mood: hopeless
Current Music: Creep
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I was thinking, and suddenly I realized that it would, perhaps, have seemed rather a strange situation to the PostNet people. Or it will, if I ever do end up mailing some Cat's-Claw, which apparently has a lot of other uses and is all-round good, something about cell reconstitution...? Anyway, if I brought in that Cat's-claw/echinacea/licorice, bronchitis-helping trio. And they had been like, "Last week you brought in OTC medicated cough-drops. The past two weeks before THAT, was an assortment of chicken and soup. Before THAT, it was a laptop and rainbow toe socks, and before THAT it was a green i-pod and a billion boxes of Pocky. Now, you're sending Cat's-claw capsules along with echinacea and licorice. What exactly, is going on that requires you to send so many packages?" XD a little 2 am philosophy in a box. ^_^ Current Location: Computer
Current Mood:  cheerful
Current Music: Gackt
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