cdoom777

Is this how it's always going to be?

Fri, 31 Aug 2007 16:33:19 GMT

My first new friend I finally make, and now it turns out he's fallen the fuck in LOVE with me. This is - this is the last thing I really wanted and I feel utterly hopeless. If the only way I make a new friend is some guy falls in love with me, what does that say about my damn FUTURE?!! WELL? OK Fine. I'll TELL you what it says. It says a bunch of BS about twisted payback from the universe. I feel like I'm on the OPPOSITE SIDE of the "Story" of October 2006!!! Where it's *ME* who's got this person with feelings for me I'm not returning and I think I'm probably feeling a lot of what SHE felt at that time. And it's driving me mad. Completely fucking INSANE. Because I'm feeling my own emotions too. Like wanting to return the feelings but I just can't do it that fast. This is turning into a huge snarl again. Just like always. And for the record? I don't think I'm EVER GONNA FUCKING DRINK HAWAIIAN PUNCH AGAIN. So take THAT damn cursed mindbreaking SODA MACHINE FROM THE PATH OF HELL. fffffffuck!

YUUYAMI SUICIDE

Tue, 15 May 2007 02:53:46 GMT

those recent days that promised bliss

how could it all end like this?

I said “I will show to you the stars”

and then I left you with more scars

is this a message from above

to tell me I’m not meant to love

does this even matter, though

as I stare down to the ground below

you trusted me, I broke your heart

I shake with fear as you depart

for if you really take your life

it is my fault, I caused you strife

yet as I stand upon this ledge,

wavering at the very edge,

I hear again the last wish you said you’d give

it was that you wanted me to live

without you I feel so alone,

but all I want is to atone,

how can I live, I’m so distraught?

should I honor the promise you sought?

no longer sure of what to do,

I stand here and just wish I knew

Shinigami Eyes

Tue, 15 May 2007 02:25:34 GMT

daffodils cloistered
sourly say
over paid oyster
Yes still insane
the human image
that is disdain

THIS WAS THE LAST NIGHT I'M SLEEPING! EVER!

Thu, 03 May 2007 14:11:24 GMT

Sleep is my enemy. I'm NEVER around when people need me and my damn phone is too quiet to wake me up! So I'm just not going to sleep anymore. Oh God. Please...give me another chance....please don't let me have screwed things up because I'm so pathetic and never wake up! I thought for sure my phone was loud enough to wake me up. but it's not I'm sorry please. PLEASE give me another chance

NO MORE SLEEP FOR ME. EVER. I PROMISE TO BE HERE THIS TIME.

bllllaaaaaaaaaaah >_

Tue, 01 May 2007 17:27:48 GMT

Yahoo Messenger SUCKS. Last night I'm TRYING to talk and suddenly it decides that EVERY IM I send needs to be sent 259075337802659368905293653298572350275027 times and take up all the cellphone texts available to recipients. So I totally freak out and have to exit the damn program and I feel like an ASS because of this computer doing that. And I have to leave for work in a freaking short time and am barely even ready at all. Sold my PSP and two gamecube games last night, I got $72 but I still have this ASSLOAD OF DVD'S that I don't know WHERE to sell , I owe rent today and just ... Gah. I need to switch to Cingular but I don't know if that'll even help or if cingular has the unlimited in-network talking minutes thing and I'm going to fucking go INSANE. T_T

domestic FUCKER family

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 02:03:20 GMT

Well, isn't this just LOVELY. I am totally exhausted, I don't hardly feel like talking to ANYONE for crying out loud I don't even hardly know what I'd say to KYO if he somehow called my fucking cellphone which isn't even HERE right now because it's apparently somewhere between here and the land of OVER-THE-STARS. I'm gonna have to FIND the thing, though, in order to talk to anyone because at 7:30 I have to get off. Tomorrow's fecking SUNDAY, damn it. My day off, at LAST. And it's on a day when my parents WON'T work, they won't be out of the house. So I haven't said two words to them? Well, if you were not only exhausted, but had good reason to believe that your own feet were suicidal due to the fact that your left one had spontaneously become an EMO CUTTER, while the right one wanted to blow itself over the stars, and both of them hurt like FUCKIN A. AND you were exhausted due to three days of spending entire nights up talking to your best friend who you can't really talk to at any OTHER time due to the fact that you must work to earn money so that you could finally move out to be able to *do things* with your best friend.

I mean, what the FUCK do they want me to do? Just ABANDON my best friend simply because of the 1500 god-damn MILES between here and Omaha?! Well they can go suck a cock! Because that is NOT going to happen. I'd rather SHOOT MYSELF IN THE HEAD than do something like, abandoning my friend to find some new friend here simply because she's too far away. In the impossible instance where I am forced to choose to either do this, or to die...well, let's just say if that happens then I'm going OVER the stars!!!! AAGH FUCK. WTMF
T_T okay sorry. Just, in case it's not perfectly obvious already, this is one of my exploding rant posts. And it's NOT like I didn't TRY to be sociable - FOR CRYING OUT LOUD I TOLD HER MY RASPBERRY CAKE STORY. ugh. Well, in less than half an hour I'm going to have to switch over to my cellphone messenger..
feh.

Once they go to bed....

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 05:18:24 GMT

What I think I really need to do, is go upstairs to my room and get my pillow and just muffle my sobs and cry or something. Or maybe not, I'm starting to slightly feel better, it's just ... Not being able to let myself cry when I need to = not being able to let myself experience the emotions that happen.

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 04:45:10 GMT

One minute, in my mind, everything seems fine. Then all of a sudden, I'm not where I was before. I'm in a totally different place.

I'm wandering alone down the side of an icy road, shrouded in mist. The snow is freezing, but even though it's next to a road, it's pristine and pure white, because it's so isolated. The freezing wind slaps my face like a sheet of needles, again and again. I'm wandering in the cold, I wrap my coat tighter but it doesn't help. Nothing is certain - NOTHING except that I am alone and that I feel so cold and sad. I think my heart just broke, and I don't know why.

Why am I so cold? Everything *should* be bright and cheery now, yet here I am lost in the cold northlands all alone, it feels like my heart is shattering and I ... I don't fucking understand. Why is this? I thought I wouldn't feel this? I mean on some level I am happy but I CAN'T SEE THE HAPPINESS. It's all lost in this mist that keeps slapping me in the face....

I don't ... what is ... I just....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. I am crying. At the computer. I don't want them to know I'm crying or they'll be all over me.... I should be alone. I just, I don't know..... T_T why am I here...why am I in this life?! When I'm so fucked up I suddenly can't be HAPPY when something starts to go right and I end up halfway suicidal?? Maybe I'm just a deluded freak.... I need pills or something but I don't want to be an idiot again I don't want to run away. I know I need to face this, but I'm buffeted from all sides. I told myself I didn't need it but suddenly it's surrounding me again and I'm alone in this fucking airport full of people all, being it all I do is watch and just feel like crying, but it's so damn cold the tears will freeze and burn my face....

I KNOW I can't really do anything about this, but....

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 04:28:22 GMT

The same essential thing, that repeated throughout the past, struck again on Friday...and now, it's continuing on tonight. I just...I am scared to death. I don't even want to write this. Why am I writing this? Sure it lets out what I'm feeling, but other people ARE going to read it too. But ... I don't know, I NEED to calm down, I'm a fucking mess. I just ... I need to calm down... But I'm scared out of my mind, because I see no end to this...and I can't stop myself wondering, if ... this is how it's going to be, forever? Things seeming more or less alright, and then every so often, there'll be a cataclysm? Because it seems that if that IS the case... I'd be spending all my nights wondering whether tomorrow will be the next cataclysm. Or the day after that? Or next week? And with absolutely NO WAY of warding them off... having NO CONTROL WHATSOEVER over the situation... Though it's possible that ... weh who am I even really kidding. Where is this going to end? And when? I try to not worry, but deep down I'm terrified. That one of these times, is going to end everything... that the one I care for is going to fade away forever...won't live through...and I want to do something, but I can't. I don't know what to do....

It suddenly strikes me as funny....

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 09:05:14 GMT

I was thinking, and suddenly I realized that it would, perhaps, have seemed rather a strange situation to the PostNet people. Or it will, if I ever do end up mailing some Cat's-Claw, which apparently has a lot of other uses and is all-round good, something about cell reconstitution...? Anyway, if I brought in that Cat's-claw/echinacea/licorice, bronchitis-helping trio. And they had been like, "Last week you brought in OTC medicated cough-drops. The past two weeks before THAT, was an assortment of chicken and soup. Before THAT, it was a laptop and rainbow toe socks, and before THAT it was a green i-pod and a billion boxes of Pocky. Now, you're sending Cat's-claw capsules along with echinacea and licorice. What exactly, is going on that requires you to send so many packages?" XD a little 2 am philosophy in a box. ^_^

....hum.

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 09:30:29 GMT

hoping the best, yet it seems uninclined to come,

feels like the world cannot change. yet it has changed so much.

behold my idiotic utter confusion. La.

the breath of suzaku

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 08:50:07 GMT

And suddenly I am stricken by the necessary understanding. Browsing through the few joys and many horrors that are my previous LJ entries, I have found some peace, comprehension and the calmness that I may eventually sleep. I do wish there were someone online that I could talk to, though. ....Whoah. Just before I post, there IS someone. Albeit apparently having internet problems, but - ya. hmm.

Lovely Christmas, NE? =]

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 08:27:02 GMT

Strange feelings of numbness overwhelming me, like an overfilled bottle that's going to shatter. I know not why, I really don't - these emotions refuse to name themselves, nor will they stop moving and churning around long enough for me to even get a glimpse of them. Not to mention my aching muscles and I think I might be getting sick. Ugh. Christmas is coming soon, though. hahaha I feel tightness in my chest I'm not even sure if it's because I'm allergic/possibly sick, or if it's this bottled-up storm again. These things come along from time to time. And I just, get through them. But I'm thinking, you know. This could actually be a GOOD thing, to have this bottle of emotion here. Makin sure it's nice and full, then uncork it a little at a time and RIDE THE WAVES through my day tomorrow. SURFING~~~~ whee!!! I don't even know! Hahahahhahahaha. (for anyone wondering -- DO NOT WORRY. I am 100% fine and -free. so Moumantai! hahahahaha~)

Another good thing is lately i am uber-friendly. ie even my MOTHER said that the past couple of days i've been friendly, and happy! so I'M WINNING! :) meh. i should be in bed. owell.

mew

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 03:41:29 GMT

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

Last Saturday I bought porn for elohcin_chan (-10 points). In March I farted in an elevator (-6 points). In April I put money in harukura's expired parking meter (14 points). In October I gave change to a homeless guy (19 points). In February I caught a purse-snatcher who stole fearofclowns's purse (30 points).

Overall, I've been nice (47 points). For Christmas I deserve a new dolly!

Sincerely,
cdoom777

AGH. FFFFFUCK. MY LEG. OW. T_T

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 10:32:29 GMT

FFFFFFFFUCK. My leg is in SO much pain. I got home today and there's a coffee table thats like a clock, in the middle of the floor in front of the sofa. DIRECTLY in my escape route from the compy to the kitchen to pretend I was getting a soda and not online this late at night. And this table is sooooo TINY, so short, AND it blends into the carpet. So I hear what's possibly my STEPDAD coming down. I forget all about this new addition to our home. Take off to the safety of the kitchen. and CLAAAAAAAANG! My left thigh, just above the knee, crashes into the loose but heavy and rather large, glass top of the coffee table, so hard it knocks the top clear onto the floor.

When I say the top is "loose", I don't mean it slides easily off upon impact, all I mean is that it is a separate piece from the actual frame of the table, and thus could with reasonable effort of lifting, be picked up and placed on there, if you happened to be a strong enough person. So I just give a barely-muffled and clearly audible moan of pain and stagger into the kitchen and crumple onto the floor and sit there quietly singing Orenji no Taiyou and wait for someone to come down and see what the heck happened to make such a loud and ominous noise, furthermore why am I subsequently moaning in pain. But - get this - NOBODY DOES. No one comes down.

And I sit there, and just sit there until the pain subsides enough that I think I Can get up and move, put the top back on the table. And NOBODY CAME. Half of me is pleased limitlessly at my ability to have caused such noise and NOT been caught clearly running from the computer. The other half, is appropriately appalled that nobody came down to see what hurt me.

But all in all, I am happy. Just, need to get to bed and rest. Get a soda, get some sleep. And simply hope that my bizarre trait where I barely feel pain in my legs, even when three shopping carts slam into them at once. Or, five or ten minutes of rest after colliding with a glass coffee table, there is no real pain. Just a tiny bit, but I barely notice. Heck, I notice that I'm LIMPING but I don't notice any pain unless I *look* for it, actually seek to feel it. XD

ATEEWAQ6TSUJTSEKLJAYEWKLSYHEIOEQ

Sat, 25 Nov 2006 07:11:11 GMT

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ge'ew

COMMENTS set to Friends Only

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 09:12:58 GMT

As of right now, I am setting COMMENTS to be Friends Only. I truly regret having to do this, but it seems that has found their way into my LJ, much to my surprise and dismay. Thus, I shall no longer be allowing Anonymous comment-posters. So if you want to comment my blog, you'll need to do it on MySpace. I always post everything from here, there, and vice-versa.

What's WRONG with me?!

Sun, 05 Nov 2006 23:29:33 GMT

I don't know WHAT is wrong with me. But for some stupid reason my stepdad is constantly grinding every nerve in my brain. I try to be kind, but the vaguest pissed-off tone always slips into my voice...I tried keeping it out, because he always asks, "Do you have attitude?" or "Get rid of your attitude." I WANT to! I do! I hate myself for being so mean, to have this irritation show in my voice, to even FEEL it, in my mind. I've tried so many times, to get rid of it, to STOP this feeling of resentment. I've tried ignoring it. Tried locking it in some other area of my mind. Hell, back in JUNE of this year I even tried freakin PILLS just to make it go away! But it comes back. Somehow, it always comes back. And I'm so tired of it. So tired of the pain...the resentment when they tell me to do something, while I still am trying to deal with the pain. The rebelliousness driving me to sneak back online late at night, to be online. My head is spinning. I don't know...how much more of this I can take. Already, I want some, again. Just to take the edge off. Pills, I mean. But we don't have any. And I have no money. So I can't get any. Part of me would of course, definitely be telling me that's a GOOD thing. Except the angels just cut out her tongue. So...whatever.

Just fade away...

Sun, 05 Nov 2006 21:14:01 GMT

I don't know what's wrong. Last night, at the end of the night I felt pretty OK, at least. But once again, this morning I am sad. From the time I woke up, I had that empty void-of-a-headache feeling I always get after crying for a long time. But I didn't even cry very much. Unless I was crying in my sleep. I feel like all my dreams are hollow. The world, is hollow. Everything I was aiming for, just faded away and now, everything I'd hoped for...is gone. Trust, and love, and hope, are all meaningless... I'm not even sure how the hell I am managing to type anything at all, because the inside of my mind FEELS like it's devoid of emotion...yet, here is all this sadness flowing out my fingers. I think I really am sick. Maybe, there is something wrong with me, or maybe I'm just one of the few that still feels anything, in a world that is completely screwed up. It really makes me sick.

I think this world is completely doomed. It's not safe at all to go out at night unless you have a car AND a weapon of some sort, because rapists run the streets uncaught, and more keep spawning. Everytime they catch one, a hundred more spring up. It's never going to end. People keep hurting the one I care about...now it's to the point where I feel completely useless...I've tried to be there for her, I keep fucking everything up, now I'm not even sure if I love her .. if I love anyone...if my heart even IS capable of loving...or if maybe this was just an illusion all along. Perhaps my heart was born unable to love, right from the beginning, and what's happened is my diseased mind just locks onto people, leading me to just obsess. To do all this stuff, trying to ensure "they" will be happy...yet perhaps that's just selfishness..not wanting to *SEE* them unhappy. Some small part of my mind feels betrayed by this, saying that that's not true. But my whole operative theory is that I'm deluding myself, so perhaps that's just one of the 'voices' in my head. Like a pathetic tiny form of ... some mind-disorder. I don't know. But I feel sick and unholy. At last, the tears come. But only a few. And they worsen my headache. Feh. I sound like some freaking emo, everytime I write in this. Oh well...I'm gonna go, spread the head-virus around to people now...please comment, if you read this. Thank you for taking time to view this twisted section of my demented thoughts.

TO ALL WHO DARE TO CAUSE HER PAIN. SCREW YOU!!!

Sat, 04 Nov 2006 08:46:38 GMT

THIS IS TO EVERYONE OUT THERE THAT DARED TO HURT HER. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!

First, you PUT her on this planet, give her all this hardship. Then you make it so she CAN'T EVEN CRY, and has to keep all the pain locked away inside her, and just post it to her LJ. Then go to her room and fcking TAKE PILLS just to SLEEP! OH, by the way, YOU FUCKING SCREWED THAT UP TOO! WTF?! Can't you EVER give her some peace!!

To all the sleazoids out there, who have abused her in your own ways: You should be thanking your lucky stars that I am not a homicidal maniac, otherwise you wouldn't be around much longer. HOW MANY VICTIMS HAVE YOU TAKEN, YOU SLIMY WORTHLESS PIGS?! Well, if I had *MY* way, I'd make sure, that there AREN'T any more. EVER! I want to kill you! I want to blow your heads off like raspberry jam!

And the same goes for you, filthy fake friends who failed to stick by her. And...perhaps then..I'd have to destroy myself as well. For being the aforementioned IDIOTIC HUMAN DRAPERY. But if I go...then I'M TAKING YOU DOWN WITH ME! SLEAZOIDS. YOU SHOULD ALL JUST DO THE WORLD A FAVOR AND GO SLIT YOUR OWN THROATS RIGHT NOW. AND WE CAN ALL DIE TOGETHER!

GAH!!! I JUST...I don't know...

Sat, 04 Nov 2006 08:29:35 GMT

I am utterly sick of all of this. I hate this whole fucking world. WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE TO KEEP HURTING HER?! I want to just kill them all...but then I think I'd have to kill MYSELF or live my life as a pathetic hypocrite. Because I, too, am just a total fuck-up. Hello, It's me, the STUPID GIRL, the HUMAN DRAPERY FROM HELL. Gah. And I hate myself for screwing up what was never there all along, and I hate myself because I don't have the power to mind-control some dude that lives I-don't-fucking-know-where, and I hate myself for NOT BEING ABLE TO HELP HER TO STOP HURTING. Just...want this all to stop. Stop her pain, or stop my heart, stop the world. Destroy EVERYTHING. Just in a blip...send ALL LIFE ON EARTH OVER THE FUCKING STARS!!! Send us all to Heaven and let God sort it out. Maybe then He would give her happiness...and then perhaps I could find peace.